Sometimes I can't help but wonder…I've I had chosen otherwise, would I be somewhere else now, doing something I don't enjoy but feeling less stress and weariness?
I think my favourite past time is to think of the alternate universe. Where if I chose differently at pivotal points in my life, where I would be now.
I thoroughly enjoy what I'm doing now, and having the luxury to spend time with my family (and husband). And I often joke with Daniel that we're living retiree lives.
We have not many bills to pay, no loans to pay off and we see each other every day. I am thankful for everything I have and the people who have given these to me, but somehow, my mind still wanders to the what ifs.
Between Husband Ng and I, we've been talking a lot about being content with what we have. And admiring people who don't have a lot, but because of the content they have in their hearts, own the entire world in a small lifetime.
We're surrounded by so many people, especially online, that makes this "contentment" so difficult to achieve. People share their first class flight experiences, their trips to Europe, days in Paris, their Jetsetter lifestyles and you swoon and look on in envy.
It's difficult really, wondering why others can be basking in luxuries you don't seem to have and why you're hustling, bustling and rushing every day but getting no where.
But hey! What's wrong with going nowhere? Maybe you're going nowhere because you're right where you're supposed to be?
I've just been having quite a terrible month after getting back from holiday, and these thoughts have just been running through my head.
But guess what? Every day is a new beginning and another fresh page for me to try again.
Life knocks you down sometimes and I'm sure no matter how perfect everything looks from the outside, we all have these moments, days, weeks, months or even years where things are not ok.
And I guess that's ok in its own way too. 😊
What's bothering me?
Not feeling very much like an adult even though I am one. Not knowing where or how to start being an adult and not even wanting to be like one.
I am very thankful to Husband Ng for keeping the bills paid (I only have to pay 1 bill and I'm constantly late on that) and keeping my life in check.
Business wise, I'm just lucky I don't have to keep track of the accounts. For so long, I've just avoided doing all these taxes, bills and stuff because "I'm bad at it".
This "I'm bad at it", I've found, has become an excuse for me to get out of anything I don't want to do. Or don't even want to try doing.
Very soon, I'm pretty sure it'll become "I'm bad at life" and I just give up, surrender and submit to the fact that I am just a failure, roll around in bed all day and repeat the phrase to anyone who comes and chit chat 😂
I'm also not very sure where this post is going, I just have too many weird thoughts floating around that I wanted to put somewhere.
I'm just lucky to have someone to come home to and have someone who is so darn sure that everything will be ok at the end of the day.
Sometimes I get so angry, I yell at Daniel for never planning enough, thinking enough. Only to realise that maybe I'm the one who's thinking too much.
Maybe the crux to living a good life isn't to think 10 steps ahead but to living in the moment and believing with all your heart that no matter what life throws at you next, everything will be ok in the end.