I've never been small sized all my life 🙃
Throughout my childhood, I was ALWAYS taller than peers my age, bigger than my classmates and heavier than my cousins.
Sadly, as a young girl, nobody tells you that it's ok to be different and to not stick to the growth chart, and that it's ok to bust out of your school shoes every month and have new uniforms purchased every quarter.
I think my growing years were filled with a lot of confusion and oxymorons when relatives would call me cute, chubby and fat,
While my mum would sometimes ask me to eat more, then hurriedly change her statement to…
Okok, don't eat so much.
I think it's still the same way now, at 24, where I am out on a ban from McDonald's suppers (hence why I always cover my mum's face with a packet of 🍟)
You might be wondering.
Oi chow, I thought you already wrote about what it's like to be a PPG (puipuigirl)?
Why are you doing it all over again?
Because recently, I've been made to feel like because I'm a bride, I need to behave and look a certain way before the wedding.
And I thought it's be important to share this message with all the girls who will eventually become brides and all the brides who will become mothers.
I felt pressurised to loose weight in order to look my best during my wedding.
There's SO MUCH pressure look great on your wedding day.
I'm sure all the #dayrebrides can attest. When it comes to the fittings, it's always about finding a dress to hide your flaws, rather than finding a dress than accentuates your beauty.
I've read so many articles about needing sleeved dresses, staying away from mermaids, no to sweetheart necklines, just because our bodies aren't shaped like a certain way.
When my aunt (who works part time for OBC) came over about a month before our wedding…I joking said that I think I put on some weight from the compulsive eating during our travels to Japan and Malacca
And without hesitation, she said YA, wedding coming, time to start dieting and losing some weight.
Even Boshi and shiqi wanted to lose weight for the wedding (they want to loose weight themselves ah. Not ask me to loose weight myself 🙃)
My mum on the other hand, would remind me at EVERY opportunity to don't eat this and don't eat that because the wedding was impending.
And I think all the pre-wedding workouts posted on Dayre brides and all the Facebook forums didn't help also.
It was like an almost constant reminder that others are putting in their 100% effort into looking good on their big day and there I was…………….
Chomping on fries 🙃
I think it also didn't help that I didn't have that AHA moment when I put on my gowns…which let me to think that it's not the problem with the gowns…
It's a problem with me…
If you guys know, I'm a huge advocate for body positivity and a huge advocate for women to remind each other that they are beautiful just the way the are.
So it takes a bit more to make me feel bad about my body. But I think the combination of wedding prep stress and comments from others…weakened my resolve.
I ordered diet pills online
It pains me to admit to this, because I haven't told a single soul. But yes, I actually went through a contact I had a long time ago to order diet pills in hopes that a flash slimming session would help with my image issues.
In that moment I opened the app to chat with the seller, I felt like a HUGE failure.
For all the times I tried to convince women who would harp on their flaws and blemishes. Here I am, looking for a quick solution to fix a body I knew didn't need fixing.
All the time I was chatting with the seller about what I needed to do, how fast I could lose the weight and how much weight I could lose,
I felt a little like I was on autopilot.
I've been here before, so unhappy with the way I looked and weighed that I was willing to sacrifice my health for a quick way to conform and look like everyone else.
I'm happy to say that at the last minute, I decided I to call off the transaction (seller was like wtf? Don't you want to look beautiful for your wedding?
And internally I was screaming
STOP TELLING ME I NEED TO DIET TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL
I guess what I want to say is that…even if you're underweight, having people tell you everyday that you are fat, you will grow up believing that you are.
Throughout my years of growing up (can you even spot me in the picture) I've lost some weight, gained a little, had long hair, short, been tanned and fair.
And yet I've always been known as the fat girl. Or the big sized girl.
In one way or another. I've been made to believe that even if I lost weight, gained weight, ate less, or ate more, I will still never be beautiful enough.
Throughout the wedding prep I was also very stressed by meeting people who would be attending the wedding but whom I have never met before.
People like my MIL's colleagues, school friends, or super extended relatives.
I was worried about what people who didn't know me, never seen me, would think about me if they say this plumpish, unkempt girl walk down the aisle with Daniel.
The worst kind of mind messing thoughts are the ones whereby you know people have expectations that are different from your reality.
I was tortured by wondering if his relatives or friends had imagined me to look one way but I turned out to be another 🙃
I've also come to realise that it is the people we love or trust the most that have the easiest way of sneaking into our hearts and breaking them.
The intentions might always be good. But unknowingly, they break you anyway.
A lot of friends and relatives and even myself are guilty of leaving not so nice comments on the body shapes of others while concealing them as jokes or playful banter.
For example, aiyo long time no see you so put on weight ah! Wedding coming you know, are you eating more to prepare for the 7 day fast before the wedding?
Aunty kidding la ok! You are beautiful!
Ok aunty. I know you are not kidding and also, some words don't really need to be said. Especially when it starts with F and ends with T, like fasting for the wedding
I am guilty of it too, sometimes saying it to poke fun at my brother. Or friend.
But I hope we can all be more cautious with our words when it comes to the size of others. It may just be a roll of your tongue moment for you, but it can be the phrase that keeps replaying when they are trying to sleep at night.
You are beautiful enough.
I understand the motivations for wanting to lose weight for a wedding…similar to how we do our hair, put on make up and trim our brows. 😊
But it's also important to understand that grooming makes us feel good about ourselves. Even the process is sort of therapeutic.
However if you're unhappy or choosing unhealthy ways to achieve your goal weight. Then perhaps it's time to take a step back.
You are beautiful. In more ways than just how your hair shines or how your teeth are white.
And definitely in more ways than the shape of your body and the size of your thighs.
To the brides that are thinking of skipping dinner, or wishing to lose a few more pounds before your special day,
You are beautiful enough.
Enough for your husband, your family and your friends.
And most importantly, beautiful enough for yourself.
I receive messages like these on #OURBRALETTECLUB IG all the time and sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it makes me sad.
Sad that not many brands out there are willing to accommodate bigger/smaller sizes just because it's not cost effective / not lucrative enough.
As a business owner, I know how hard it is to produce a wider range of sizes, but somehow I feel that it is worth it. We are not made from mould so we shouldn't be made to fit in them.
If you wonder where I get my courage and my strength from, it is from other women like me and you.
Every day, I share my insecurities and my challenges in this journey towards loving my body and I receive message after message of love, encouragement and stories.
The stories are always my favourite and today's comment section are filled with them.
Stories of the girls who grew up in the shadows of self loathing but grew out of it to become women of purpose and strength.
I am proud to say that I think we've come really far from when body shaming was the norm and we'll go further as long as we have support from each other.
I know I talk about women and body discrimination a lot, but honestly, I think we all (both men and women) face extreme amounts of societal stress to be and behave a certain way.
I sometimes notice how Husband Ng stands a little less confidently when remarks are passed about his height or weight.
And I am reminded that while I fight this battle with all my female sisters in mind,
That sometimes we forget that men feel the same way too.
So to my dearest husband, who is always tall enough, handsome enough, strong enough and most importantly, loves me enough (🙃), you are enough for me too.
Thank you for supporting me in this journey of self loving and never ever once making feel as though I am undeserving of my own love. 👍
And to every one that commented, you are an inspiration to me too. 👍
It is a difficult life to live, but with compassion, empathy and a little bit more self love, it is a good life to live too.
Thank you for sharing your stories and your journey in finding your way towards loving yourself.
If there is one thing I want to do by becoming EP, it is not to promote my business, or myself, but to promote this idea called being kind to others.
And more importantly, being kind to yourself. 🍑