I’m a huge fan of telling people that beauty is but skin deep and I built a business around the idea that no matter what size you are and how you look, you are beautiful beyond measure.
Which is why when I burst into tears while sitting on the toilet the other night, it shocked me as to how easy those waves of worthlessness and despair washed over me. Even though I had spent a good part of my life helping others to chase those feelings away.
Ok, let’s rewind a little. Go back to the backstory.
I’ve had pretty ok skin all my life. Not great, but definitely low maintenance. I used my body soap as cleanser and slapped on the Laneige Sleeping Pack when I felt fancy. The sleeping pack started out as a gift that I didn’t mind using, and when relatives realised I used it, the gifts just kept coming.
So yeah, for a huge part of my life, this was it. Nothing else.
Then I started getting these cystic pimples on one side of my cheek. Usually the pimples come and go very quickly for me. Leaving no scars of marks. But this left cheek tho, had a tendency to leave very dark marks and spots. Only on the left cheek.
The days before my breakdown in the toilet, I had discovered 2 (!!) cystic pimples on the said left cheek and I knew I had to squeeze it. I kept telling myself not to do it, but I couldn’t resist because the last time I left one alone, it sat on my face for 16 days before I popped it. They just don’t go away unless I squeeze the fuck out of them.
So I squeezed and skin was broken, but the pimple was flat and pus-less.
I think it’s also important to mention that the week before the pimples appeared, I had started out on my china skincare (which had like 7 steps) and it was probably too rich for my skin.
Ok, so after squeezing, I slapped on the most expensive skincare I’ve owned in my life (mostly SKII cos my mum made me use it religiously in my secondary school days) and hoped for the best.
But it didn’t scab well and everytime I left the comfort of my room, I had to cover it up with 5 layers of concealer and even then, my mum kept asking why there was such a huge black patch (grey lah ma) on my face -_-
So the night of my breakdown, I was removing my make up and I think the friction caused the barely there scab to dislodge and my skin started bleeding.
It was like a huge hole on my face that couldn’t stop bleeding. Daniel walked into the room, shocked, and that’s when I burst into tears.
Even after my bath, I couldn’t walk out of my room to return Ellen her hairdryer and make small talk because I didn’t want anyone to see my face. For the first time in a long time, I was ashamed of the way I looked.
The next day, I wore make up at home, refusing to take it off even whilst I was cooking and cleaning.
It was only at night, when removing the war paint that I realised that I’d spent the last few years of my life trying to tell women that looks don’t matter and you can be of any shape, size, colour or assortment and still be beautiful, as long as you were able to feel that way.
But sometimes, it’s truly easier said than done. And when you’re the one dealt a bad hand of cards, the days can sometimes seem very much harder and longer.
I don’t struggle with my skin much, so this was a completely new experience for me. I’ve been fat all my life, so even though I’d have this feeling of worthlessness and insecurity about my size in the beginning, I’ve come to learn and know that it’s not ok to feel this way. That my body is beautiful.
Thing is, everyone of us experiences new insecurities each day. Sometimes, we feel that our hair is thinning, or that dandruff is obvious. Some days, we feel that our legs are too short, too long, too skinny, too fat.
Some days it’s our eyes, our ears, our nose.
Every day, something else finds it’s way to bring our worth down. But don’t let it. We’ve spent way too long having to believe that we’re not ok, when really, we’re perfect.
So feel down, but bounce right back. Take your time. To some people, a year is an improvement on a lifetime of self-hate.
To others, it’s a month.
But you know what, it’s never too late to make up for lost time. So begin now, today.