It is with all honesty that I type this, a confession of sorts. A purge maybe. But regardless of what this is or who it is for, it is a revelation so I can hold myself together. For now.
I don’t cope very well with emotional stress. Give me a hundred pages and an exam the next morning and watch as I cruise along and ace it like it didn’t even pose even the slightest of a challenge to me. But throw me in a drop of helplessness, hopelessness and loneliness? Hold a box of popcorn and watch me unravel faster than a ball of yarn left to roll.
But as it comes to all problems, there’s always a solution. A pity mine comes either with alcohol involved, or evokes a faux display of concern graced upon an onlooker’s face. My coping mechanism is to self destruct and hope that when I’m done, what’s left can somehow pick up the broken pieces and become something better – the same way nature copes with problems too big to handle.
While it may seem ridiculous and outrageous to others, destroying yourself can be therapeutic. It’s not a cry for attention (‘cos I’d relish in the fact that you’ll leave me alone), neither is it a desperate call for help. I don’t want to die, I just want to make sure all the bad things are gone so the good things can happen.
You cannot contain a fire that’s determined to burn, neither can you change the path of a storm that’s destined to happen. The same way you cannot stop this devastation. It’s fruitless, and I don’t have the heart to tell you. Take away everything I have to cope and I’ll claw through with fingers and bones.
You cannot save a damsel who loves her distress, so stop trying. Especially when this one here knows that the adequate amount of distress will end up doing her good in the end.
I’m starving. Logically I know I am. I can feel my stomach clawing for food, I can hear my head telling me to fucking eat something, but I can’t.
The empty space has become my best friend. Everywhere I go, I know I have company. It fills up the voids between our conversations and it plants itself in the gaps between us on the couch. Sometimes, when I feel like I am truly alone, it creeps along the edges of my feet, tickling the very tip of my toes like a salutation from a friend that never leaves, a compellation from an enemy that never goes.
I cannot feed myself, because I am feeding it too-this emptiness that seems to grow every single day. In good moments, it cowers away in fear, its normal composed disposition undulated by the positivity of my laughter, the warmth of my toothy grin. In others, it consumes me from the inside out, like a fetus trying to break free from the restrains of what used to keep it alive, like a predator discarding its carcass after a full meal. I am its full meal. My good thoughts, my better thoughts, my sanity, they have all fallen prey, willingly. But there is beauty in this distress, not unlike how there is always beauty in death, in burial. There is beauty in this course of putrefaction because there is weightlessness in being empty. Hate rushes past you, jealousy walks through you, anger dissolves within you and sadness evaporates around you. And love, love leaves you. The love we spend our whole life seeking and hating leaves you, because it can no longer manifest within your warm body of soul. You are barren land, and love happens to be the crop. Dearth and famine replace the empty space as your new best friend and you will be hungry. You will always be hungry.
I am starving. Every piece of my soul is breaking from the hunger and I want to eat. I want to feed myself until the throbbing goes away, until the hole in my chest is filled. But this is a hunger you can never quell, this is a hunger that will never wane. Because it only grows stronger with every bite.