Fighting Battles

It feels a little lonely tonight. Just a little. Maybe the air is two and a half degrees too cold and the night sky four shades too dark. Maybe its six and a quarter decibels too quiet and three minutes too fast. Maybe there are no reasons to why I happen to feel alone tonight, just like how there are no reasons to why I shouldn’t.

I have somehow or rather accepted the fact that I won’t be getting any sleep tonight, and I still don’t get why I’m still trying so hard. I am desperate to leave this mess , and this desperation seems to escalate with every case I am forced to dissect and every word I am forced to burn into memory. I am lesser of who I am, and more of who they want me to be. I don’t try anymore, I don’t fight.  I have possibly given up on most of the things that I thought were extremely important to me, but now seem to be of no value to anyone, or anything here. I am desperate to leave and to reclaim the things I have lost. I am desperate to leave, but afraid that this mess extends further than what seems to be.

Sometimes people will make you feel worthless. They will make you feel like you’ve been relegated to the bottom of the food chain. And for 6 weeks now, I’ve been swimming around like krill, my sole purpose of existence to fill the bottomless, souless bellies of these whales that surround me every single day. And for 6 weeks now, I have failed to retaliate. But soon you will realize that, when cornered, desperate people can achieve even the most unbelievable feats. And right now, this is me.

I am messed up, I admit that. I have no solid plans for what lies ahead, neither do I have any plans for now. I am about to throw away what seems to be a blindingly bright future and walk the unknown path in the search for happiness. I am not sure if it even exists, or if its too elusive to belong to someone like me, but unhappiness is something you should never get accustomed to. Happiness may not exist, but you should never stop searching for it. And if in this course of forage brings broken noses and scraped knees, count me in. There is never a losing battle, because every time you put up a fight, you’ve already won.

Revenge is For The Heartless

When you love someone and they break your heart, you remember it forever. You may fall in love again, you may get up on your feet again, but the feeling of having your chest ripped open and your heart slowly torn to pieces? That feeling never really goes away.

I used to love you. I used to notice you in a corner of the school canteen and feel excitement bubbling right in the middle of my chest. I used to run right up to you and give you a huge hug, because that meant that I got one in return. I got a hug from you. A hug you gave so damn well, it felt like sunshine pouring into my cold wet soul and keeping me alive. I used to laugh with you, I used to watch you cry. I used to haul your sorry drunken ass up a cab and to my house in the middle of the night. I used to love you, right from the very tips of your fingers, to the marrows of your bones. And for a brief moment of time, I thought you loved me too.

But the funny thing about time is that a second to someone can end up being years to another. And perhaps a blink of an eye to me became a far too long for you. Does it hurt when you remove someone from your life? Do you rip them out like band aid from a wound, or do you like to light a match and watch them burn up in flames? I hope it hurts. I hope it hurts like hell. Because maybe then, you can feel a quarter of the pain you put me through.

But hey, the good news is I no longer do. I no longer love you. After the million and a half times you broke my heart? Consider it a miracle I took so long to lose faith in you. Anyway, here’s a parting gift for you: When someone breaks your heart, remember to break theirs too. Only this time, do it better, do it harder, and remember to hold back your tears when you hear yours splinter too.