Where are you?
Why aren’t you here?
What are you doing?
I would love to pelt down these questions upon you like a vengeful pilot shelling bitterness and rage, but it would be unfair for me to ask of you answers even I cannot provide. Love is never reciprocal, if one seeks such a kind of love, he might as well be seeking for nothing at all. Perhaps I’m blinded by a misery I myself cannot see, and overcome by a pining that has long turned into hate.
God, if you cannot give me health, then I bid you give me sleep. Cos a life like this is too hard to live while awake.
Tonight, there are no tears in my eyes. The dull ache in my chest has ceased its throbbing, and there is no knot in my stomach that cannot be untied. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, or that the feelings that I have are fading away. No it’s not that. I love you all the same, if not more. I have just come to accept the fact that when you hand someone your heart, you’re bound to have it crushed in the end.
What’s the big hoo-ha over love anyway? The infinite moments you spend waiting for a phone call that ends in a matter of seconds, your heart dying alongside the fatal beep of the telephone line. Sure, he makes you happy when he turns up outside your door at midnight with a bunch of roses despite the pouring rain — but you’d definitely be happier if it wasn’t a gesture of guilt or a well executed apology. Love is messy, as messy as the fucking jumbled mess of thoughts in my head.
There is no perfect way to love someone. What seems to you like a flawless kind of adoration can appear to be a brave attempt fallen flat on the other side of the mirror. There’s no certainty in love, and that breaks my heart. No, it smashes it. And that makes it sickening, repulsive, detestable.
Love is a strong emotion, and a wrong misstep can change it into nothing but blinding hate.