Losing Things

Coming back to work after a 19 day holiday is like one of the worst forms of hell anyone can condense onto a blue Monday morning. Maybe that is the reason why my head is spinning and I feel like I am floating on cloud 21, the evil cousin of the adorable cloud 9. I also happen to only have $6 left in my wallet and approximately $21.54 left in my bank account, which leads me to telling you why I am at work today-its supposed to be payday. But of course, judging from the extra cheerful and positive tone of this post, you would have guessed that my net asset status now still stands at $27.74 (I found 20 cents at my desk) and my sanity at negative 58.

I have yet to find the crux of this post, or my messy stream of thoughts for that matter. I expected to have matured at least a good 20 years after spending some time away from this city and the people that I hate and love so much, but I guess I only gained 5 at the maximum, not too bad if you aren’t picky. You know how people love to shrug their shoulders and send you a nonchalant look while telling you “Bro, you lose some, you gain some.” almost as if they have looked past the frivolous matters of life and into the real essence of it? I kind of feel that way now, minus the fact that there isn’t someone I can tap on the back and deliver that quote to, except my boss who I think will take away whatever Zen feelings I have now.

It is true though, that life is this never ending cycle of losing and gaining. Perhaps the only constant. You lose a toy and gain independence. Lose a lover and it leaves a gaping hole in your heart. Lose a job and get back freedom. We are habitual creatures. We complain and whine about what life takes away from us, yet never once consider the times where we get back so much more (ok, maybe just equal amounts) in return. I sound so ridiculously clichéd talking about this, I’m probably going to regret it the moment I hit update, yet I need to remind myself that while life forces you to leave some things behind, and stealthily promises something else in return, there are certain things that are too important to give up. Things like your conscience, your integrity and yourself. These are things that you cannot give away in hopes you get something better in return. There will be no better you, than who you were meant to be.

Boom Boom Box

Remember how in Inception, Cobb told Ariadne that 5 minutes in real life translates into an hour of dream time? That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, like I’ve awoken from a dream far too long, unable to grasp that in reality, only a mere few days have passed. Overwhelmed would perhaps be too inapt a word to describe my current predicament, I feel like an old soul in a young body, like I’ve already lived a lifetime when it has only been less than 2 decades.

Even when looping your favourite playlist, you’ll get bored. The beats suddenly feel too familiar for comfort, the melody that once had the ability to make you walk with a bounce in your step now sounds like an infinite drone. So much so that you feel like ripping the earbuds out of your ear to the welcoming sound of silence. These few days have felt like a remix of anger, heartache, disappointment and helplessness. Almost as if someone pushed open the windows at the crack of dawn to let in the sunlight that although brilliantly beautiful, also blinds you.

It would be a lie if I were to say these few days have been plagued only by negativity, because despite having some very bad days, I have experienced happiness, relief and at some point, alarming content with what I have in my life. I have also never felt better about myself, or prouder when I looked at my results slip and saw exactly what my hard work had reaped. It is true you know, that when you plant the seeds of a magnificent raintree, you don’t get a beansprout. I’m not going to go on about how results don’t define you as a person, and how that slip of paper says nothing about your character, because it does. Somehow or rather it does. No matter how much you try to tell yourself that of doesn’t mean anything, it does. But the most important thing is to accept it and then move on. There will always be greener pastures and wider roads. The most important thing is letting yourself believe that you are better than this. Its okay to let it bring you down, but make sure you get back up.

On a heavier note (as if whatever written above wasn’t heavy enough), I have to learn how to place my trust in the right people. Once, someone asked me if the reason behind her failing friendships were because she couldn’t handle commitment. Today, after witnessing how friendships had the ability to crumble in my hands like the pastry of my mother’s pineapple tarts, I’m asking myself the exact same question. Things have taken a turn for the worse ever since I’ve decided to embark on a whole new lifestyle which includes a tad too much alcohol and a tad too little inhibitions (and sleep), which have resulted in me realizing that sometimes people who say they will love you for who you are only say so because…they don’t know the real you yet. Its heartbreaking to know that while you would have loved that person through vomit, snot, tears and even the sound of your own heart breaking, they wouldn’t do the same. In fact, they have already left.

But I don’t regret anything. I will never be as carefree as I am now. I will never be younger than I am at this moment. Sometimes we just have to learn that when the world comes crashing down, nobody can do a better job at protecting you except yourself. I was naive enough to believe that it could be you and I against the world, but somehow it seems I’ve already lost you, and this battle now has to be fought alone. This life is an infinite playlist, and its melody only I can hear.

Maybe This Time I’ll Stay

“Is it impossible for me to win this fight?

Keep you a little longer in my life.”

Its been quite a long time since I’ve done a cover. Since the occasion calls for it, and I happened to chance upon a really apt song, I thought I’d christen the blog with a virgin video upload of Kina Grannis’ Stay Just A Little. So much has happened during this short period of time, that sometimes, you feel like you’re being forced under water, unable to breathe.

There’s a chronic ache in my lower back, and the pessimist in me thinks kidney failure. Doesn’t help that a close friend of mine who happens to excel in the field of biology finds it amusing to keep me updated with several illnesses that show such a symptom. Also, it seems as though the wait for a job has finally paid off, because a potential employer called this evening and beckoned me down to her quaint little cafe right opposite my house for an interview tomorrow morning at an ungodly timing of 930am. As usual, my mother has repeatedly urged me to stay at home and not to take up the job, yet at the same time not providing me with a source of income and expecting me to remain at home like a child that entertains herself with her own fingers. The princess in me has been forced out of her castle and into the streets to make a living. Growing up sucks.

I am honestly rather nervous about the job interview tomorrow, because the pleasant sounding female on the other line happened to let leak that she wants to “observe the way you work”, of which “you” refers to me and “work” seems rather ambiguous considering the fact that I have yet to know how much I am paid, the working hours and my job scope. Put me in an office and I can confidently say I rock at attending to complaints and queries as well as transcribing certain lectures, but waitressing? I can’t say the same. I envision myself balancing 7 cups on a tray on one hand and then immediately witnessing them crash to the floor, taking with them my pay for the day. Also considering the fact that I am usually the one filing for complaints and criticising the abhorrent behaviour of the service crew, I’m pretty sure karma will come biting me in the back and give me customers from hell.

If you’re reading this, wish me good luck tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I’ll discover my sudden flair for balancing trays of food and memorizing table orders and soon take over the Food&Beverage industry by storm. I mean afterall, the Chows 不是省油的灯.

New Life From Within

I don’t like to think it is true

The distance came between us like a knife and cut right through.

I suddenly miss someone badly. You know how sometimes when you lose that magical connection with a friend, you can never get it back? It is surprising how losing someone you used to love so much could be this easy. That forgetting the way we sat side by side, head on shoulder could be as easy as leaving a hairpin behind on the bus. That letting slip of the looks we exchanged and the laughter we shared could be as natural as losing sight of your childhood. I can no longer see or feel the remnants of that tether we used to share, yet occasionally I hear the strangled call of someone on the other end. I am guilty, because I dismiss it, almost as if I never heard you whispering my name, never saw you reach out for me through the fog that has become our common memory. I am guilty, because despite your repeated attempts at trying to reconnect, I never reached for your outstretched hand. I am guilty, and for that, I am sorry.

Would you stay just a little, my love?

Would you sway just a little, my love?

’cause the hole in the middle of my heart needs filling up

If you stay just a little, that’s enough.