Remember how in Inception, Cobb told Ariadne that 5 minutes in real life translates into an hour of dream time? That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, like I’ve awoken from a dream far too long, unable to grasp that in reality, only a mere few days have passed. Overwhelmed would perhaps be too inapt a word to describe my current predicament, I feel like an old soul in a young body, like I’ve already lived a lifetime when it has only been less than 2 decades.
Even when looping your favourite playlist, you’ll get bored. The beats suddenly feel too familiar for comfort, the melody that once had the ability to make you walk with a bounce in your step now sounds like an infinite drone. So much so that you feel like ripping the earbuds out of your ear to the welcoming sound of silence. These few days have felt like a remix of anger, heartache, disappointment and helplessness. Almost as if someone pushed open the windows at the crack of dawn to let in the sunlight that although brilliantly beautiful, also blinds you.
It would be a lie if I were to say these few days have been plagued only by negativity, because despite having some very bad days, I have experienced happiness, relief and at some point, alarming content with what I have in my life. I have also never felt better about myself, or prouder when I looked at my results slip and saw exactly what my hard work had reaped. It is true you know, that when you plant the seeds of a magnificent raintree, you don’t get a beansprout. I’m not going to go on about how results don’t define you as a person, and how that slip of paper says nothing about your character, because it does. Somehow or rather it does. No matter how much you try to tell yourself that of doesn’t mean anything, it does. But the most important thing is to accept it and then move on. There will always be greener pastures and wider roads. The most important thing is letting yourself believe that you are better than this. Its okay to let it bring you down, but make sure you get back up.
On a heavier note (as if whatever written above wasn’t heavy enough), I have to learn how to place my trust in the right people. Once, someone asked me if the reason behind her failing friendships were because she couldn’t handle commitment. Today, after witnessing how friendships had the ability to crumble in my hands like the pastry of my mother’s pineapple tarts, I’m asking myself the exact same question. Things have taken a turn for the worse ever since I’ve decided to embark on a whole new lifestyle which includes a tad too much alcohol and a tad too little inhibitions (and sleep), which have resulted in me realizing that sometimes people who say they will love you for who you are only say so because…they don’t know the real you yet. Its heartbreaking to know that while you would have loved that person through vomit, snot, tears and even the sound of your own heart breaking, they wouldn’t do the same. In fact, they have already left.
But I don’t regret anything. I will never be as carefree as I am now. I will never be younger than I am at this moment. Sometimes we just have to learn that when the world comes crashing down, nobody can do a better job at protecting you except yourself. I was naive enough to believe that it could be you and I against the world, but somehow it seems I’ve already lost you, and this battle now has to be fought alone. This life is an infinite playlist, and its melody only I can hear.