Surrender

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There are days where you feel invincible, days where you feel as if the mere tipping of your toes will hoist you high enough to pick a star out from the night sky. These days, everything you do is adequate. Even the mere act of breathing makes you revel in the fact that there’s so much you can do, will do and have already done that you will one day compile into a heaping list that’ll give meaning to your existence. Days like this, you wish will never end.

Then there are days where you feel like a sail boat on windless sea. Days where hours spent relentlessly working amount to nothing, like scribbling with white ink on white sheets, like dusting cupboards during dry storms. Days where you try so hard but get no where. Days where light blinds and darkness suffocates.

Sadly, today is one of those.

I don’t have pearls of wisdom or words of comfort because most of us have these days that nothing can turn around. Reassurance stings like swabs on wounds and advice falls like bitterness at the back of tongues. Bad days remain bad despite all the good in the world.

But it’s alright, because like everything else, days too shall pass. Good ones, bad ones, they’ll all fall into the valley where we’ll forget to pull them out for scrutiny so even when we look back, we look pass them, through them, away from them as if they never even happened.

So just hold on tight and keep your knees a little too close to your chest for comfort. Let this bad day reign over you, will it away and celebrate its passing. Oh, and admit defeat. The earlier you surrender, the less it hurts.

Image credits: Daniel

Goodbye, Goodnight.

One day you will realise that the infallible will fail you. And when that one day comes, you will want to burrow deeper into the depths of your duvets and never ever emerge again.

Happy Sunday to you.

Blurb: Not Today.

Today, I feel vulnerable.

Today, I feel like the light shines right through me, baring all my flaws. Today, I feel as though the stranger walking outside my door can see right past the wooden gates and into my crooked soul. Today, I feel as though every strand of my hair is out of place, and that every breath I take is an abomination to this world.

Today I feel small.

Today, you could hurt me with the delicate touch of a feather. Today, you could hurt me with the melodious ring of your laughter. Today, you could hurt me with the warmth of your love. Today, you could hurt me. Today, you would hurt me.

Today, I am not the girl who breaks down walls. Today, I build them.

Too Close For Comfort

Sometimes I wish everything were easier. That toothpaste magically capped themselves back after use and that tissue boxes never emptied. Sometimes I wish everything were easier. That hearts didn’t get broken and friendships never faded away. Sometimes I wish everything were easier. Maybe sometimes, more than sometimes. Every moment, I wish things got easier.

I can still hear the familiar tone of your laughter reverberating in my ear. The high pitched, semi laugh-semi giggle that erupts from your tiny frame whenever you’re amused. I remember how you used to lie on my shoulder and tell me your darkest secrets, as though my reputation as the class loud mouth were nothing but a lie, and that you were able to see through the layers of my shell and into my loyal tightlipped core. There is a photo of us on the corkboard hanging on my wall. The one where our hair was still short and your head was so close to mine we could pass of as Siamese twins. The one where we were both lying on the table, the one where we were both smiling like we had everything we wanted in the world right next to us. The one where we were actually happy together.

But like to every happy thing that happens in life, something happened. Oh wait. I’m wrong. Nothing happened. There was no spark between us anymore. For some reason, you stopped running to me with the latest gossip, murmuring excitedly about so-and-so who was attached to so-and-so.  For some reason, you stopped exchanging you-know-what-I’m-thinking glances with me when our gawdy looking literature teacher walked into the classroom. For some reason, you stopped wanting to curl up by my side and lay quietly as though my breaths were your favourite melody and my shampoo your favourite scent.

I miss you. I miss the way I was unguarded when I was your friend. The way I can probably never be now. I wish things could go back to the way they were, I wish we never grew up. I wish things could be so much easier such that when I look at your Twitter timeline, I could will myself into believing I was there with you during every update.

Life is difficult. Life is too difficult. You live everyday wishing you were dead, and you slowly die every day wishing you were more alive. Perhaps I don’t even miss us being friends. Perhaps you just happened to be the catalyst in putting together all the negative thoughts and broken relationships. Perhaps viewing your timeline on Twitter just served to make all the feelings of worthlessness, of loneliness, of utmost helplessness collide. Perhaps it was just time for me to realize that things were getting too complicated. That life, this jumbled mess we call life, is too difficult to ever figure out. That we are all just tiny specks of dust scrambling to discover the meaning of life, only to realize that this is a question with no answer.

I wish things were easier. Everyday.

Perfect Fit

“And when the sun rose, she vanished, much like how dry ice sublimates into a thin fog upon contact to the air.”

Comfort is when you lounge around the house in your sloppiest shirt and your most rugged jeans, comfort is when you eat from the ice cream tub directly, comfort is when your hair is post bleached and you’re lying on the couch next to someone watching the telly. Comfort happens to find its definition in you with me.

I always thought it was a joke, a myth, or something your parents told you so you’d actively go out and seek for a potential candidate to marry, that when the story went “we were born whole, but made to split, so we spent the rest of our lives seeking the half we lost”, you were supposed to roll your eyes so far back into your head, they would potentially get stuck. But when it happened to me, when I saw the shadows of the other half I didn’t even know I was seeking, it was like Twiddledum found Twiddledee, except they left out the part of the story where you didn’t only find them in lovers. I found mine in someone I till today don’t know whether to call my sibling, my best friend or my doppelgänger. But one thing for sure, you find halves in soul mates.

Yet when everything falls into place too easily, you know something will eventually fall apart. What if like a puzzle piece, you could be a perfect fit for two people? Could you ever be soul mates to two people at once? Then why do they call them the missing half? Half and half make one whole. Three halves just make an abomination. Three halves just mean one has to be removed so two can make a whole again.

We clasp our palms in prayer in hopes that we would find the halves we lost, and when we find them, we arch our knees in thanks. But what we should really be doing is pleading every day that they would never ever be taken away from us again. Cos when they do, you’ll never feel more broken.

Boom Boom Box

Remember how in Inception, Cobb told Ariadne that 5 minutes in real life translates into an hour of dream time? That’s exactly how I’m feeling right now, like I’ve awoken from a dream far too long, unable to grasp that in reality, only a mere few days have passed. Overwhelmed would perhaps be too inapt a word to describe my current predicament, I feel like an old soul in a young body, like I’ve already lived a lifetime when it has only been less than 2 decades.

Even when looping your favourite playlist, you’ll get bored. The beats suddenly feel too familiar for comfort, the melody that once had the ability to make you walk with a bounce in your step now sounds like an infinite drone. So much so that you feel like ripping the earbuds out of your ear to the welcoming sound of silence. These few days have felt like a remix of anger, heartache, disappointment and helplessness. Almost as if someone pushed open the windows at the crack of dawn to let in the sunlight that although brilliantly beautiful, also blinds you.

It would be a lie if I were to say these few days have been plagued only by negativity, because despite having some very bad days, I have experienced happiness, relief and at some point, alarming content with what I have in my life. I have also never felt better about myself, or prouder when I looked at my results slip and saw exactly what my hard work had reaped. It is true you know, that when you plant the seeds of a magnificent raintree, you don’t get a beansprout. I’m not going to go on about how results don’t define you as a person, and how that slip of paper says nothing about your character, because it does. Somehow or rather it does. No matter how much you try to tell yourself that of doesn’t mean anything, it does. But the most important thing is to accept it and then move on. There will always be greener pastures and wider roads. The most important thing is letting yourself believe that you are better than this. Its okay to let it bring you down, but make sure you get back up.

On a heavier note (as if whatever written above wasn’t heavy enough), I have to learn how to place my trust in the right people. Once, someone asked me if the reason behind her failing friendships were because she couldn’t handle commitment. Today, after witnessing how friendships had the ability to crumble in my hands like the pastry of my mother’s pineapple tarts, I’m asking myself the exact same question. Things have taken a turn for the worse ever since I’ve decided to embark on a whole new lifestyle which includes a tad too much alcohol and a tad too little inhibitions (and sleep), which have resulted in me realizing that sometimes people who say they will love you for who you are only say so because…they don’t know the real you yet. Its heartbreaking to know that while you would have loved that person through vomit, snot, tears and even the sound of your own heart breaking, they wouldn’t do the same. In fact, they have already left.

But I don’t regret anything. I will never be as carefree as I am now. I will never be younger than I am at this moment. Sometimes we just have to learn that when the world comes crashing down, nobody can do a better job at protecting you except yourself. I was naive enough to believe that it could be you and I against the world, but somehow it seems I’ve already lost you, and this battle now has to be fought alone. This life is an infinite playlist, and its melody only I can hear.

Here And Now

I don’t know if its because of my extra heightened senses from my P, or the recurring chatter about friendship recently that has spurred this post. But if you’re tired of reading about fading friendships, about losing someone you thought was an extension of yourself, know that I am too.

Perhaps its because we can no longer use school as a legitimate excuse to meet up, or that everyone now has different commitments ranging from cleaning up dog poop to changing diapers that friendship becomes so damn insignificant in comparison. Or maybe its because in a world where everything seems to be beyond your reach, a friend that seems to always have your back is the last thing you’ll ever pay attention to. Afterall, no matter what happens they’re supposed to be there right?

I don’t want to be anybody’s safety net. I don’t want to be the one that everyone turns to only because they realise there’s no one else there. I don’t want to “have your back” all the time and then become the last priority on your to-do list. I am not your mother. I am not selfless, I am not. I try to be, but I am not.

They say you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Yet in the end, you will come to realize, you have no say when it comes to the people who actuallt mean something to you. You can’t choose the people you fall in love with. You cannot pick the joy and leave the sorrow. You cannot choose to take and never give. You cannot have the happiness without the heartache.

You cannot choose the people you love, but you can choose how you love them. And sometimes, you have to let go before there’s nothing left of you.

Through It All

Not used to being in bed so early and trying to make sense of the negative feelings bobbing around in my head. Of course, I’m failing as usual and perhaps the only thing that can keep me from falling into the abyss of depression is an endless Glee Marathon. Okay I’m just kidding. I just feel like devouring a giant chocolate cake now.

I honestly cannot comprehend how feelings can change overnight. For example, one moment you’re insanely in love with someone and no matter which angle you view him from, he looks like a beautiful Adonis carved from marble. And suddenly, as if by some sort of sorcery, his every move disgusts you. Same goes to friendship. I wonder how friends who used to be able to share anything and everything can end up nitpicking to the very last cent and very last minute you arrive late. We used to dream of taking over the world, but now we probably couldn’t stand living in the same continent.

The topic of decomposing friendship seems to be getting a little mouldy, especially in this blog where I first wrote about a friend I missed and then did a cover wishing I could keep someone in my life and finally revisiting the exact same problem I posted about just last night. Perhaps in a life made lackluster by a striking shortage of romance, the only way I can create a moody, melodramatic persona is through the dissection of my bromances. Of which I know is less than interesting but yet is surprisingly capable of bringing as much heartache as a bad romance.

So to all those lovers and friends out there, you’re not alone in feeling as though someone has reached into your gut and punched your heart. I guess at some point, everyone has had their heart mercilessly squished by the hands of someone they willingly placed that precious muscle in. Afterall, only those you love the most have the ability to hurt you the deepest.

Or maybe not.

New Life From Within

I don’t like to think it is true

The distance came between us like a knife and cut right through.

I suddenly miss someone badly. You know how sometimes when you lose that magical connection with a friend, you can never get it back? It is surprising how losing someone you used to love so much could be this easy. That forgetting the way we sat side by side, head on shoulder could be as easy as leaving a hairpin behind on the bus. That letting slip of the looks we exchanged and the laughter we shared could be as natural as losing sight of your childhood. I can no longer see or feel the remnants of that tether we used to share, yet occasionally I hear the strangled call of someone on the other end. I am guilty, because I dismiss it, almost as if I never heard you whispering my name, never saw you reach out for me through the fog that has become our common memory. I am guilty, because despite your repeated attempts at trying to reconnect, I never reached for your outstretched hand. I am guilty, and for that, I am sorry.

Would you stay just a little, my love?

Would you sway just a little, my love?

’cause the hole in the middle of my heart needs filling up

If you stay just a little, that’s enough.