Sitting in a corner of Coffee Bean shivering to my icy death on a painfully uninspiring Thursday evening, a text from a long-time friend makes me realise that the elusive love we spend our entire lives looking for are actually seeds sown in the ground and waiting to bloom.
There is potential for love everywhere. A slight liking towards a new friend, a flush that blossoms on your cheeks when he calls out your name to say good morning along the hallway, the slight touch of an attractive stranger when he shuffles restlessly in his seat. Perhaps we’re all too blind from the lists we have subconsciously constructed from the people we would like to have in our lives to notice the ones that actually are.
While we’re constantly searching for the coifs of perfectly gelled hair and rolled jeans that leave a perfect amount of his ankles exposed, we miss out on the things we wanted in the first place altogether. We push away inklings of love, the could haves and the would haves, in search of what reality tells us to be the perfect relationship. The healthy one.
And while we put on veils, masks and a wonderfully set up disguise, we miss out on the ones who love us for we who are underneath. We miss the ones who internally acknowledge the relentless efforts we put into making ourselves perfect yet love us blemished, crumbled and crushed anyway.
There will come a time in your life, where you will repulsively realize that every aspect happens to be spinning rapidly out of control. Your phone is out of juice, you may have had a drink more than you should have and you’re patiently waiting for the last bus to come whisk you home from the bus stop-all while trying to refrain from vomiting on your brand new shoes.
I am a little buzzed right now. Everything seems a little happier than it is, a little more positively charged than how it usually feels. When you have the right amount of alcohol in your system, you feel like the world speaks in helium voices. (The kind where people kind of speak in chipmunk-ish pitches instead of their usual ones? Yeah.) My throat is burning, apparently beer doesn’t help with the soothing of sore throats and neither does liquor. My thoughts are chaotic in my head, like flies kept in a bottle, driven mad with containment, driven desperate by claustrophobia. I haven’t written in a long time I’ve realized, perhaps too long to maintain my internal equilibrium, driving my sanity to a corner and letting something else take over. What exactly, I’m not very sure.
If I were to have a daughter in future, I hope she’ll be a wild child like me. Children who have been exposed to the toughest of shit tend to hold themselves better when things get rough. And things always get rough. I hope she’ll deal with things the exact same way I do, because I think I’m doing pretty damn well right now.
I just got my Macbook Pro, and I’m gonna shoot some zombies right now. Fuck the world, everything is nothing compared to a zombie apocalypse. Adios my friends, and wish me luck. May the best man survive.
Coming back to work after a 19 day holiday is like one of the worst forms of hell anyone can condense onto a blue Monday morning. Maybe that is the reason why my head is spinning and I feel like I am floating on cloud 21, the evil cousin of the adorable cloud 9. I also happen to only have $6 left in my wallet and approximately $21.54 left in my bank account, which leads me to telling you why I am at work today-its supposed to be payday. But of course, judging from the extra cheerful and positive tone of this post, you would have guessed that my net asset status now still stands at $27.74 (I found 20 cents at my desk) and my sanity at negative 58.
I have yet to find the crux of this post, or my messy stream of thoughts for that matter. I expected to have matured at least a good 20 years after spending some time away from this city and the people that I hate and love so much, but I guess I only gained 5 at the maximum, not too bad if you aren’t picky. You know how people love to shrug their shoulders and send you a nonchalant look while telling you “Bro, you lose some, you gain some.” almost as if they have looked past the frivolous matters of life and into the real essence of it? I kind of feel that way now, minus the fact that there isn’t someone I can tap on the back and deliver that quote to, except my boss who I think will take away whatever Zen feelings I have now.
It is true though, that life is this never ending cycle of losing and gaining. Perhaps the only constant. You lose a toy and gain independence. Lose a lover and it leaves a gaping hole in your heart. Lose a job and get back freedom. We are habitual creatures. We complain and whine about what life takes away from us, yet never once consider the times where we get back so much more (ok, maybe just equal amounts) in return. I sound so ridiculously clichéd talking about this, I’m probably going to regret it the moment I hit update, yet I need to remind myself that while life forces you to leave some things behind, and stealthily promises something else in return, there are certain things that are too important to give up. Things like your conscience, your integrity and yourself. These are things that you cannot give away in hopes you get something better in return. There will be no better you, than who you were meant to be.
I remember when my mother was having this yoga phase, she would do these monthly starvation routines where she consumed nothing but salt water and swallowed banana slices whole at the end of the day. She called it a detox and was convinced it would rid her of all the toxins and poison in her body, just because her best friend at that time swore by it. Whether it worked or not, I have no idea. However, the yoga mats have been neatly rolled up in their corner for quite some time now and I can no longer recall the last time she ate a banana.
I like Facebook. I like being able to know what my friends are up to without having to engage in a long and dreary conversation about how their pet cat died last month or how their so bored at work. I like being able to see exactly what’s happening to them-how they look in their new haircut, how they look at work, how their new boyfriend looks like, how they now look like. I like being able to snigger behind the shield of my computer screen and make wicked (but honest) remarks that would put Simon Cowell to shame. But I also dislike it. Facebook is like a breeding ground for drama. It is like a bubbling cauldron filled with all the necessary ingredients for an emotional showdown, it is a nesting spot for the bitch, bitcher and bitchiest. Facebook is Sparta, it is an arena for the worst and the ugliest.
So I have decided that I need a cleansing. A social cleansing to be exact. Even if it means that the cute waiter at the bar who sneakily asked for my name so he could run a search of me on Facebook can’t find me there. There are bigger and better things in life to look forward to besides the lunch your friend had yesterday, there are greater and more important things in life that you should occupy yourself with besides the silly little blurbs your friends post online. Take time out to really ask them how they are instead of inferring and convincing yourself that they are okay. Even if it means you have to tolerate the whining, the dramas, the hoard of irrelevant information, do it.
I guess I’ll be off the social radar for a while then. Maybe I’ll even take up yoga, make a few hipster friends and run off to live in a cave high up in the Southern mountains in Mongolia. (Wait, are there even mountains, let alone Southern mountains? Whatever.) And if you’re really bent on knowing how I am, or how I’m doing, I’m sure you’ll find a way. They have snail mail there, I think.
When I look into my mirror now, I have this urge to let out a hearty, deep from my belly laugh because my hair is ridiculous. But I am so happy with it, because it is such an exquisite, intricate mess. It is so out of control, whacky, odd, crazy, completely insane, but it is so me. And I am so contented, so happy, so childishly elated by the state my hair is in, because for once, I feel like everything is aligned.
I think if I met myself, I wouldn’t want to make friends with myself. And I think I’ve said that more than once. Just listening to my voice is enough to irk me. So kudos to those who are still gungho enough to be my friend, I applaud your inhumane amounts of courage, tolerance and good taste. 😀
Fishing with the 12 usuals today, and we reaped more than we could ever expect. Sometimes you have to go with an empty heart and a willingness to try new things in order to be rewarded with the good stuff. Besides the blue spotted stingray and the two abnormally huge Patin fishes, we walked away with a little bit more appreciation for nature and a little bit more valuation of the quiet times friends can spend together without technology or luxurious food (with the exception of a $22 sushi set and frantic uploading of our catch on Facebook). Sometimes we just have to step away from the crowded hustle and bustle of the city life and into the quaint and relatively more rural suburbs to be reminded of the finer things in life. Sometimes its not the things you do, but the people around you that matter.
I’m lucky to have such friends.
Sometimes when it gets late, I become a little delirious.